Life at 25

Since the end of my 6 week long road trip a little over a year ago, I immediately got part-time jobs in the restaurant and childcare industry just to start making some money. My real goal was to find a corporate job in my field in Silicon Valley, with the hopes of finding a great community of friends to do fun things with. I had a vision and was determined to make it happen.

To my dismay, job hunting was a tiresome and disappointing process. Over the course of 6-7 months, I got multiple interviews but I couldn’t find a decent position. I was desperate though. During these interviews, I’d enthusiastically agree to work 50-60 hours a week, be available on holidays and evenings, make the 1 hour long commute 5 days a week, and basically give my life to the company. I’d agree to all of these things and compromise so many of my values even when the pay was often low, and I still couldn’t get a job. 

I was so worked up over finding a job and my failed attempts at it that I had trouble sleeping at night and finding joy in things I’d normally find joy in doing. And every time I went in for a shift as a server, barely being able to say hello to my boyfriend after he just got home from work, anxiety would rain down on me, wondering if I’d survive the unorganized and demanding chaos at this chain restaurant. I was mentally and emotionally drained, and in the spring, made the guilt ridden decision to quit my server job and take a break from my job search. 

In my head, a 9-5 job was the only option. I wanted to fit in and feel like I was part of the Silicon Valley ecosystem so badly. I wanted the life I envisioned for myself back in the fall. But I didn’t have a job I was proud of, my social life was lacking because all my energy went to finding a job, the stigma of living with my parents after college weighed on me, and I truly felt like a failure. I was ready to blow up my life and move to Montana. At least then, I wouldn’t be living under my parents roof, I could be out in nature, be somewhere where having a 9-5 isn’t the norm, and add another cool job to my list of seasonal job experiences.

But I couldn’t just move to Montana. My boyfriend was here and unlike me, found a job he liked. And a long distance relationship was out of the question. We did 2 years of that already and I had no interest in doing that again. Staying was also good for me to not run away from my problems.

This was a tough time for me, emotionally and mentally. Job hunting reminded me how much of my self worth I had wrapped up in not only how I feel about my work but also how people perceive what I do for work. And this is especially true here in Silicon Valley, where most of the people I know are in the tech industry making butt loads of money and all the time, the question of "what you do (for work)?" gets brought up when meeting someone new. This is just the culture here, the culture I wanted to fit into and escape at the same time.

Spring ended and summer came. While hitting the reset button, I got offered to work more full-time with a family I was already helping. I said yes to the job knowing it wasn’t a long term solution (especially to my parents), but with this job, I earn enough, am not in a toxic work environment, have great flexibility with my schedule, and do work that’s making a positive impact, which is way more than I can say about the other jobs I applied to. So I felt really lucky when this opportunity came up.

Since going full-time with this family and my anxiety over finding a job no longer having a death grip on me, so much of my emotional and mental energy has been restored, allowing me to feel like myself again. Over the summer and fall, I’ve been socializing more, going out to do fun things, and just enjoying life. It’s crazy how much more sane someone can feel when they have something as basic as a decent job. 

You know how some people are bad with romantic relationships and they’re just chronically in a cycle of being with people who aren't good for them? I think that’s how I’ve been with corporate work. I know corporate life isn’t for me because I don't find it enjoyable, but I keep trying to go back to it. And it took me realizing that this is the 3rd or 4th time I’m writing about work on my blog to see this pattern.

With how I was raised, other socioeconomic pressures, and what I was taught in college, I internalized the idea that I needed a 9 -5 job to be respected and not a disappointment. I should've known after doing my first college internship that the corporate world isn't for me. I should've followed my gut, but I was scared to let the well trodden path go and still am a little now.

I'm hopeful that I can continue to be true to myself though. I feel much better and more content with what I'm doing now compared to when I was in the thick of my job hunting season and at previous corporate jobs so I don’t ever want to fall back into the trap of trying to chase after a 9-5 or anything for the sake of how I might be perceived.

The real kicker in all of this is that after months and years of stressing about my 9-5 career path, the idea of being a stay-at-home something (mom or wife) has recently crossed my mind more and more. 🫢 I’m literally just a girl, sue me. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Anyway, you’re all caught up. I still don’t know what I’m doing, but it’s working for now. Here’s to enjoying the last 2 months of 2024 to the fullest!